10 October 2007

Have you ever received a beautiful gift and wished you will keep it as long as you can.. or just forget about it after sometime..

10th October 2007 it all started..

It was Sharp 12a.m. when he called and when I picked up.. he was singing me the evergreen "Happy birthday" song. it's the usual song.. but this time it was different.. extra special... i could
feel his love.. and from then onwards all my dearest were sending sms’es to me.. was nice :)

Then after a rather good sleep, with a little sadness and lots of happiness that i turned 25.. i
woke up early and gave him a wake up call and that day we planned to go to the Court Hill Ganesha temple. Actually he planned it.. he planned everything way before.

We didn't go to work that day. I just didn't want to work on my b'day and it was so sweet of him to ponteng too :p. Actually we applied for Annual leave and got it. So before i left home mom kissed and wished me.. as how she always do.. since the time i know her :)

You know sometimes you just wished you could be swept away with lots of love and pampering.. well it had happen to me on that day... for the first time.. actually its all the time.. but that day it was extra special...

I went to his home to fetch him and his whole family were there. It was about 8a.m then. I was
welcomed by his sister and his mother with a warm birthday hugs and wishes.. Uncle wished me too.. :) For a moment I realized that, this is always what i wished for, but i just never thought that it will come thru.. did that experience really took place? I can't still believe it even now!! Ok coming back, we were all chit chatting and then raj came with my Birthday card and the surprisingly sweet thing is, he made the card him by himself!! I mean which guy makes cards for his girlfriend these days. Well there may be some of them.. but lucky me i was privileged. Yes a privilege indeed it was. Once again i can't believe this was all happening.

The card was made by himself from scratch. Dark brown with lots of love notes, and ofcourse it came with his lovely creative poems . Was to beautiful to take my eyes of it. After a long admiration of the beautiful card he made.. we left home to the temple..

So we were at our Court Hill Ganesha temple, and we were there till about 10a.m... took our
blessings.. sat and talked some stories as how we always do. The atmosphere was calm and somewhat the feeling of being at home was always there. Thats the power of Temple. Even the most tempremental can calm down.. While we were chatting a man came by and passed
me a scoop of hot "kesari". I think he had a hunch it was my birthday that day :p.. well ofcourse others received it as well :)

After prayers we headed to brickfields.. Sri Pandi's for some thosai and nescafe. Comfort food it was.. and after that he took me back to his home.. His mom was not working that day.. Sister was at home as well.. His Mom and sister was actually preparing lunch for us. It was so sweet of them to prepare lunch for my birthday!! She made nasi lemak with chicken sambal and fried kangkong. It was just too good... We all had lunch together and after that we were about to leave home to catch the 3p.m. show in PJ State.

Just before we left home, his sister came out to the car. She passed me this beautiful purple
card and a beautiful blue kurti for my b'day. It was really nice.. was so sweet of her. She actually
bought that kurti from penang when she was there. Was so thoughtful of her. :) Loved it

After that we left and as we were on the way, he suddenly pulled of to the side of the main road.
"Wait for a while ammu, i forgot to pass something to mom" and he got down, opened the car trunk and carried this huge box wrapped in purple with golden ribbon! It was my b'day gift! As usual i was puzzled.. happy.. surprised.. confused.. you can just name it.. i had all kinds of expressions on my face.. He was smiling happily as well, cause he really surprised me successfully for once :p hehe..

Obviously after that i couldn't slow down in unwrapping the box and to my amazement there were so so so so many gifts in it! There was 24 or more ferrero Roche’s all over the box, a beautiful Punjabi suit, my fav blue bangles, a beautiful crystal black bracelet, a cute lovely lace puppy and a red heart shape "Just for you" kutty pillow and a box with 2 white bears.. pheeww.. saying it self is so tiring.. i just can't imagine the effort he has put in buying and searching for all of this gifts for me!! How did you and why did you have to do this? I was just blank..
But of course this is besides the part he lied to me the day before that he had to go out after
work, in which he actually went all around to get me this sweet and precious gifts... hehe.. It's so sweet of you dear. I don't know what i can do for you, for all the sweet things you have done for me...Love you so much B.

After sharing some chocolate's and with all the excitement i had, we headed to the theatre. It was for the movie "Tamil m.a" and seriously it was a mind blowing movie and performance by Jeeva. At last i watched one extremely good movie for my birthday :D

It was by 7 then, and i had to go back home. It was such a beautiful day. A day i will never forget for the rest of my life. My first birthday with Raj. Was just too special. Too special that i just
can't express what i felt that day, even when i am writing now.

We had a long chat after the movie.. Actually talking about long chat's, i dont know when we don’t have one. Every time we have long chat's. What we actually talk about ha raj? Maybe everything? :)

So we drove back to his house to take my car and i left around 7 something from there. My whole day was with him was just amazing..

As i reached home, my parents, brother and his fiancée was there!. Waiting for me with a big Secret recipe white macadamia Chocolate cake Yum!, and we celebrated again as how we always do all this 25 years.. Was so sweet of them. After cutting the cake, we went out for dinner.. Dad said we will have the birthday dinner on the weekend so that raj could come as well :). This is just a small dinner :). After dinner we were back and after a long sweet day, raj called and we were chatting till god knows what time.. :)

So there i thought my birthday was coming to an end.. but that was not it..

The next day. We were back to work in the morning as we were in the same shift.. So, I went down to his place for b’fast, and suddenly he passed me this big brown bag. Not enough of the gifts he gave me the day before he actually bought for me this huge brown doggie bear. It seems his team mate Kenny could only get it the day before, that’s why he passed it to me the next day. The doggie was sooooooo nice and soft.. it even had a white bone with it.. Just loved it B... That was another beautiful day..

Then Friday, we went to brickfields to do some pre- deepavali shopping. The KL Sentral bazaar just started then. First i went with raj and then his sister, mom and dad came by. It was really nice. His mom selected some nice kurti's for me. Even he did. :-) After that, we all went to B Sentral in brickfields for dinner. Was another beautiful day.. :)

Then came Saturday, and raj said he wanted to take me out for my b'day dinner that very nite, and again i was floating in mid air with his sweetness!! We went out in the afternoon for a while and after that i came back home. Around 7 p.m. Raj came to my house to fetch me. He was talking to mom and dad for a while before we left, and B you looked really good in that gray shirt.. Hmmmm..

After we got in the car, he asked me to choose. ."Ammu, you want Indian or Fusion Food" and with lots of confusion and excitement i said "Indian", and being clueless of where we were going.. he took me straight to "Passage thru India". It was so so so sooooooooooooo nice.... was just too romantic... The vibe of the place.. with the life Indian music playing softly. It was a moment i din't want to miss. I just cherished it to the most. He was all the time saying.. "you order what you want ammu" and all.. and we ordered. Food was really good, the grilled prawns was just mouth wattering. There were 3 musicians. 1 man playing the harmonica, another man playing the tabla and a young boy who was singing soft Hindi songs and playing the guitar. The place was so cozy and warm and romantic ofcourse, with raj in front of me ;)

After a fulfilling dinner, as we were about to leave.. raj said "lets just wait for a while" and all
of sudden one of the waiter came with 2 glasses of red wine! and not only that.. The Boy with the guitar came over to our place with a few of the other waiters.. and they all with Raj sang me the
Good old Happy b’day song!! I was in cloud 9 man.. I mean.. I have only seen this in movies.. but never ever in my wildest dreams have i ever thought this will happen even once in my life!! Gosh.. He was amazingly, extremely romantic ( ok B dont fly now if your reading this ok :p)

After our good glass of wine, we left the place and went for driving and chit chatting as usual. The Eye of Malaysia was not to be missed as well. After the drive he sent me back home. When i was back in my room.. i was still wondering.. did all of this really happen. Even as I am writing
this now I am wondering.. Did all that i wrote above happen?? :S . It did.. and it was another beautiful day :)

Then came Sunday, and dad planned for a seafood dinner with us plus is new daughter in law and son in law :p. But suddenly, my brother's fiancée Mahlini could not make. She had to go to JB as one of her distant uncle passed. With the plan still on, raj came to my house around 7, while waiting for parents to get ready, me, Raj and Ruben we hanging out in the hall and then we left to Subang Old airport for dinner...

We all went in 1 car, and reached Subang where there was this long rows of Chinese seafood
restaurants.. We enjoyed dinner.. and we were back by 11. After chatting at home, he left back to his house. Again, that was another beautiful day :)

It was not just a day of b'day i celebrated this time, but a a whole week. My parents, brother, sis in-law and most importantly my Raj did so much for me. I can see the effort he had taken for me, and i can't thank him much.

Some people who read true love experience stories like above , might think that "Here she goes talking about her stuffs and all and bla bla". But, this is not the reason i wrote this blog and published it. When we can accept fiction so easily why isnt' the truth treated the same way?

How many of us are effected by our emotions easily?

How many of us appreciate our inner most feelings?

When we are sad, we complain, we write down sad stuffs and all that is negative. When we are angry we write hurtful lines and curse unnecessarily. When we are motivated we write down powerful lines that sometimes can change the world.

But how often, do we write down the things that someone so special has done for us?
When we can share anger, disappointments and sadness why we always hesitate to share the love that we have received.

Some say, when we talk and share about what our loved ones have done for us, it sounds like we are boasting la, trying to act la, eksen la, personal la, this la, that la. But dont tell me you dont want that happiness and love as well.

This write up may sound personal to some. But what I have wrote about is My Expressions and not my Intimate Experiences.

So, I dont see any harm in sharing my love and happiness to the world. I believe when we appreciate someone who loves us so much for all the things they have done and all the hard effort they have put in it, It will make them feel loved and will also make the relationship stronger. Everyone needs appreciation dont they?

B...This is a gift of a lifetime.. that i will never ever forget.. and i have no more words to express what i feel for what you have done for me.. I Love you B..

Freedom

When was it given to be taken?

Sometimes we think we have the freedom to decide. Do we?

Sometimes we think we have the freedom to argue. Do we?

Sometimes we think we have the freedom to choose what we like to do. Do we?

Sometimes we think we have the freedom to be happy with who we are.. but do we actually have that freedom… or it never existed in the first place??

I personally don’t think it existed.. at least for me.

Actually when thinking about it… yes.. I have the freedom to do all the above..
But the actual outcome is not favorable to the whole idea of freedom I was expecting to get…

You know what I mean. Don’t you?

Well it means.. if you choose to fight for your own happiness you can win the battle but you wont be happy with the results after that. You wont be happy with the re-actions or the pre assumed results you think you will get…

It will be the opposite.. which means.. no matter how much you fight for your happiness and if you win.. you still wont be happy…


Sometimes I wonder.. When does someone gain the rights to tell you how to do things and why and bla bla… when? When? When?

When these rights appear? How come these rights never come before this?

Our parents have the rights because they brought us to this world.
Our teachers have the rights because they brighten us with knowledge
Our siblings have the rights cause they are our other half and
Our companion has the rights because they are a part of our lives….

But… the big question is, when these rights come in?

Is it because you own somebody?
Is it because you control somebody?
Or is it because you love somebody?

I am not just talking about blood relations.. but friends, co-workers and etc.

If something about that person is not liked, than it should be pointed of in the beginning.

If something about that person has to be changed, than is should be informed in the beginning.

If something about that person is annoying, than it should be avoided in the beginning…

Isn’t is not fair to discuss likes and dislikes later on.

If something that was routine or common was done by the person before you know them, don’t you think you should accept them like that till they reach their grave..

If something silly was done later on, then of course it will be fair to point out, but not for something that the person really is. Either accept it or drop it..

What ever I said above may sound very lame.. but when things that should not arise.. rises.. that’s when unwanted problems will start to emerge out of the water one day..


…………………

Every human being dislikes change, and so do I.

Changes can sometimes be for good or for worst..

Sometimes.. my mind is not in one state of mind. I feel if I go thru a change that I dislike I will create more problems and rebel more with the people I truly love.
Even though that is not what I want to do, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

But is it my fault that I don’t want to change. Just because I disagree can’t I be still the same gal?

Changes piss me of at times, cause it’s not what I want. Changes sometimes are just other people’s selfish act.

They want this.. they want that… they they they…………………..

I can say no.. and move on.. but is my life all about me?

Can I just walk off to do what I want?

I cant because I have so many dependencies.. So many to depend on…

I can do my own stuff .. but how much…

I can openly speak.. but how much…

I can daringly argue.. but how much..

I can simply just walk away.. but how easy it is?

Here again.. comes the question of Freedom…

Does every women has one? Actually does men themselved have freedom? I can boldly say NO.. I don’t…

Happy life is there for everyone.. but “which type” you choose can change your whole life…

I choose to have a happy life with the package called “Compromising”..

What’s yours?

At the end of the day.. my own life may not be perfectly happy.. but I am truthfully happy.. cause I at least have something rather than nothing…

2.32 am 20th oct 2007

Dancing with Heart and Soul...

Sometimes we wish we could just sing or dance our heart out rite..
Sometimes we just wish we can express anything we want without any hesitation..

Expression here i meant by is; is our facial expression..our gestures.. our innermost feelings... feelings unspoken..
Expressing them in a way that, the the only thing the person who is watching us could do is to only admire with a smile..
Expressing the expression without any sort of commitment.. all they way with silence.. Just expression..

Isn't that the beauty of natyam... Natyam is just not Bharathanaytam...It's a range of all type's of classical dance..

Where there is a meaning to it.. to every single expression.. movement.. gesture..
Saying something without a single word may sound difficult.. but it's the most honest answer or explanation you can ever get and give..

Sometimes it's so helpful.. as in incase you give the wrong expression you can still say that was not what you meant.. unlike words.. once said.. it cannot be taken back. :)

But Dance.. and dancing can change everything. As for me "Bharathanatyam" surely has shaped my life, all differently..

It changes your lifestyle, your character, your ambition, your mood, your likings, your appearance, your body language and of course it changes the choice of words you use as well..
But all of above are for good... and that’s the beauty of Natyam..

Dancing doesn't help you connect to your innermost self only when your dancing, but also when you are not..

This all only happens when you know.. why your dancing.. and if you are dancing for real...
Just mere dancing is meaningless.. like a plain glass of good old water.. But add a flavor to it.. add a variety to it.. Immediately it becomes lively.. full of meaning.. reasons and explanations.. Just with a touch of color..

As the same just with a touch of culture, touch of passion and involvement..

The dance becomes alive..

The dance becomes aware of itself.. Sometimes i feel like I am in a trance when I am dancing.. A trance that only my mind and my body knows how to connect, understand and deliver... not loosing the meaning and the true expression of the song and the performance..

I feel separated from the real world.. i forget about the heavy ornaments worn, I forget about the presence of my proud parents seeing me perform, i forget about my Guru who is hoping i wont make a mistake, I forget about the audience who most of the time are clueless about what dance is about and what i am doing... I forget everything...

Where am i?? My feet is not on the ground.. i feel light.. all i can feel is the "salangai" tied to my feet.. all i can hear is the beautiful sounds of the bells..it's sharpness.. the way is moves with the "Thalam", I hear the "Ragam" from the music played.. and something more...
Something more that is indescribable.. I am dancing about something.. I am dancing in regards of someone.. I am representing
something unknown to me.. I am dancing about someone whom i have never seen before.. all i knew and know is stories.. songs.. but.
when i am connecting with my soul in a dance.. i feel like i am in a different world..
I am expressing the expression of the "Higher"..
Iam expressing HIS feelings and emotions..
His "Bhavam"...
"I am dancing Bharatham!.."
"I am dancing about "God!.. "

But who am i?
Am i a real dancer or just a dancer?
I am clueless at times... but it's the most beautiful feeling any dancer could ever go thru in her life..and if she did.. she would be the best person to understand what i am talking about..
I have no words to describe how glad I am .. but the experiences i have went thru and want to go thru more and more in my life.. is nothing close to what i have written above...

This is the my first share of experience.. ;)

Bha - Bhavam, Ra - Ragam, Tha - Thalam

An unexplainable experience.. that’s has thought me the lesson of my life..

*Thanks rujjy.. for all.. for bringing me back to this art...